May 7, 2008
Firstly, my thanks to the CMA for preparing such a wonderful environment to complete Imām al-Nawawi’s masterpiece Riyādh’l-Sālihīn, by the grace of Allah jalla wa ‘ala. My thanks also to all those who attended and increased the barakah that we all witnessed masha’Allah.
For the Maqra’ah-hungry of you, don’t forget that there is an opportunity this Saturday in London (details here) to complete ‘Umdat’l-Ahkām under the supervision of Shaykh Haitham al-Haddad which will be very beneficial and only over a single day as well for the time-restricted of you. Then we have the big one: the Sunan of Abu Dawūd under the supervision of Shaykh Kehlan al-Juboori over the next Bank Holiday Weekend (23rd-26th May) at Markaz al-Bukhary in Manchester. Can’t wait.
My second and main point though: whilst we were reading on Sunday, we paused at the Hadīth that Imām al-Nawawi placed in his Riyādh’l-Salihīn which is originally narrated in Sahīh Muslim but which I claimed was actually a weak narration, and was then asked for my proof. I’ve found it now and so here it is as promised as collected by our Shaykh, ‘Abdullah al-Juday (hafidhahullāh):
Imām Muslim said: Qutaybah b. Sa‘d, Abu Bakr b. Abi Shaybah and Zuhayr b. Harb narrated that Wakī‘ narrated from Zakariyyah b. Abi Zā’idah on the authority of Mus‘ab b. Shaybah on the authority of Talq b. Habīb on the authority of ‘Abdullāh b. Zubayr on the authority of ‘A’ishah (r) who said:
The Messenger of Allah (s) said, “Ten (things) are from the fitrah: trimming the moustache, leaving the beard to grow, (using) the tooth-stick, snuffing water (into the nose), cutting the nails, washing the finger joints, plucking the armpit hair, shaving the pubic hair and the washing (of the private parts) with water.” Zakariyyah said, “Mus‘ab said, “I’ve forgotten the tenth but I think it could have been rinsing the mouth.””
The chain of this narration is weak.
It was collected by Muslim (No.261), Ahmed (137/2), Ibn Abi Shaybah (195/1), Abu ‘Awānah (190/1), Abu Dāwūd (No.53), Tirmidhi (No.2758 ), Nasā’ī (No.5040), Ibn Mājah (No.293), Abu Ya‘lā (No.4517), Ibn Khuzaymah (No.88 ) as well as many others.
Even though this narration has been collected by Muslim in his Sahīh, and Imām al-Tirmidhi graded it “Hasan”, the majority of the Hadīth Scholars considered the chain to be at fault, its weakness because of two main points:
1. The weakness of Mus‘ab b. Shaybah and the munkar [1] nature of his Hadīth.
Abu Bakr al-Athram said, “I mentioned to Abu Abdullah (i.e. Imām Ahmed b. Hanbal) whether one needed to perform wudhū’ after cupping and he replied, “That is a munkar Hadīth narrated by Mus‘ab b. Shaybah and his narrations are munkar, from them this one, and “ten things are from fitrah…” and “the Messenger of Allah (s) came out wearing a “animal-patterned cloak” (mirtun murahhal)…” (al-Dhu‘afā’ lil-‘Uqaylī, b:208 )
Al-Nasā’ī after narrating this Hadīth said, “Mus‘ab is confused in Hadīth (munkar’l-hadīth).”
Abu Hātim al-Rāzi said, “They don’t praise him, and he is not strong.”
Al-Dāraqutni said after the Hadīth of washing after cupping, which has the same isnād as the above “fitrah” narration up to ‘A’ishah (r), “He is neither strong (in Hadīth) or a Hāfidh.” (al-Sunan, 113/1).
He also said, “He’s weak.” (134/1)
Shaykh ‘Abdullāh al-Juday‘ said, “All of this criticism indicates two things: firstly the weakness of Mus‘ab’s memory and his lack of excellence in the field, and secondly his singular narrating of that which is unknown except through his own routes. He is not known for being a major narrator of Hadīth, as Ibn Sa‘d said about him, “He only had a few Hadīth.”
Thus when someone has been described in such a fashion, one must study carefully that which he narrates, and one is not to accept his narrations unless they are found to have an established basis from other than his own routes. Therefore one can only accept the above Hadīth if it is found to have a strong basis from the narration of Talq on the authority of ‘Abdullāh b. Zubayr on the authority of ‘A’isha on the authority of the Prophet (s). If this is not found to be the case, then this narration is to considered from the rejected narrations of Mus‘ab.
If someone was to say: Yahya b. Ma‘īn and and al-‘Ijli said (Mus‘ab was) “thiqah” (trustworthy), the response would be that such a general acclaim (Ta‘dīl Mutlaq) is only considered if it is not opposed with a detailed discreditation (Tajrīh Mufassar) – here, the criticism is detailed and specific and thus overcomes general praiseworthy creditation as mentioned by the Hadīth scholars.
2. The differing of Mus‘ab with two authentic narrators of this very Hadīth on the authority of Talq b. Habīb as his own maqtū‘ statement.
This is what al-Nasā’ī mentioned to be the hidden defect of this Hadīth in Sahīh Muslim after al-Nasā’ī narrated this (No.5041) with his own chain to Sulayman al-Taymī who said, “I heard Talq mention that there are ten things from the fitrah: to use to tooth-stick, to trim the moustache, to cut the nails, to wash the finger joints, to shave the pubic hair, to snuff water into the nose and I have doubt about the rinsing of the mouth with water.”
Then Imām al-Nasā’ī narrates again with his own chain (5042) to Abu Bishr Ja‘far b. Iyās, on the authority of Talq b. Habīb who said, “Ten things are from the Sunnah: to use the tooth-stick, to trim the moustache, to rinse the mouth, snuffing water into the nose, allowing the beard to grow, cutting the nails, plucking the armpit hair, circumcision, shaving the pubic hair and washing the rear private parts.”
Al-Nasā’ī then said, “the narrations of Sulaymān al-Taymi and Ja‘far b. Iyās are more likely to be correct than the Hadīth of Mus‘ab b. Shaybah.”
Similar was mentioned by al-Dāraqutni in his al-Sunan and his al-‘Ilal (b:20/5).
The point here to realise is that if Mus‘ab was thiqah, his narrations would have been ruled as odd (shādh) against the two trustworthy narrators above. What then when someone is ruled to be weak in Hadīth? This is why Imām Ahmed is correct in saying that Mus‘ab’s Hadīth are not just shādh but indeed munkar.
Ibn Hajr was alone is grading this above narration as “Hasan” and by that, he contradicted the well-established principles of the earlier Muhaddithin on which there can be a long discussion.
This should be sufficient to establish the weakness of this narration in Sahīh Muslim [2].
And Allah knows best.
[1] A type of weak Hadīth which is rejected due to its “confused” nature, in that it opposes that which is more authentic as well as the fact that the narrator has some inherent weakness as well.
[2] For further details on the weakness of this narration, see al-Lihyah, 81, of ‘Abdullah al-Juday‘.
May 7, 2008 at 8:31 am
Assalamu alaikum
Jazak Allah khayr Abu Eesa for that post.
Please could you tell me the correct way to say dua when drinking zamzam water. is a dua answered when done this way?
May 7, 2008 at 8:56 am
Jazakallahu khairan AE.
Here is the link to the Fitrah duroos;
http://www.daruliftaa.com/audio.asp
Z
May 7, 2008 at 8:58 am
Jazakallahu khairan AE.
Here is the link to the Fitrah duroos;
http://www.daruliftaa.com/audio.asp
Z
May 7, 2008 at 9:10 am
I have a question. If this hadeeth is indeed weak, then what are we to say of those who make blanket statements that ALL the ahadeeth in Sahih al Bukhari and Sahih al Muslim are authentic.
Should we not be saying this then?
Jazakallah
May 7, 2008 at 10:27 am
As salamu’alaykum wa rahmatullah,
Sorry completely off topic, this is quite interesting:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/main.jhtml?xml=/money/2008/05/06/cmhome106.xml
May 7, 2008 at 10:28 am
Question for the working brothers and sisters.
any tips?
Now that fajrs early, do you guys stay awake or go back to sleep? I normally go back to sleep but ive been getting v.late for work
May 7, 2008 at 9:31 pm
anonymous (post 6)
go back to sleep although i need my eye patches and sometimes ear plugs (birds chirping away)…
its just going to get earlier and earlier until 21st june so you have to train yourself to get some extra sleep in otherwise you would be no use at work….oh to live in the ideal environment of working only from fajr till duhr then come home, have your sunnah sleep and be refreshed for the afternoon…would only work where you are nearer to the equator.(times dont vary so much then)
May 8, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Assalamu alaikum
I was wondering if you could please give me some advice Abu Eesa
I’ve been in a low mood for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve read somethings around depression and most of it says that its caused by a weak iman. My iman is probably quite weak- i do pray all my prayers alhamdurillah- although i usually pray fajr late. I try to read Quran everyday even if I just read a few verses. I feel really lathergic and don’t want to do anything. I don’t like my job but I have to work and I’m not a confident person. I kind of put on a front a lot that I am happy but really I’m not. I don’t like to socialise- even with family- becuase I feel that I have nothing to say. I prefer to be alone at the moment and get quite annoyed if someone wants to spend time with me becuase I cannot be bothered with having to put on a front and be in a good mood.
My mum has noticed me feeling down sometimes but just gets angry with me and says that I need to get married- I don’t think thats the answer to everything- what if I marry a mistake? Even if it was- my parents don’t think that its their responsibiity to find me someone- they are hoping I’ll just meet somebody. But I’m not confident and I don’t think its appropriate anyway for me to go out and meet somebody.
My family is dysfunctional so even if i did meet somebody, I’d be really embarrassed if he had to meet them! I love my family, especially my parents but we are not close- we are more like individuals who share the same building. I have really low self-esteem in my self and I feel really incompetant at work.
I try not to complain to people. I’ve written a few e-mails to family members and friends explaining how I feel then I just delete it and not send it because I don’t want them to know. So I thought I would hide behind this anonymity and ask you.
Am I a bad muslim because I feel this way?
Jazak Allah khayr
May 8, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Anonymous 8
I feel like this sometimes, my advice is to have hope in Allah(swt), also try to attend some regular classes or any events, being around other practising people helps, trust me, if you a brother pray salah at the masjid in jamah, if you can go for umrah or travelling in general, finally make dua and ask others to aswell especially your parents.
I don’t think getting married will be the solution!
May 8, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Marriage is the answer to some problems
May 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm
As Salaamu alaikum.
My name is not Abu Eesa but I’ll take the liberty of giving input anyway.
You mention several issues.
You need to get to the bottom of each of each one of them, i.e. the root of the problem.
And then you need to deal with the root cause of each issue, because the issue itself is likely to be the start of many issues which will not go away until the root cause is eliminated.
An example…you mention low self esteem. It’s improbable that you were born with low self esteem…somewhere along the line, you developed it, and my guess is it’s a huge contributing factor to the other issues/feelings you are trying to overcome.
Ask yourself these key questions:
1) When was the first time you felt this way about yourself?
2) Who/what caused it?
3) What is the purpose of your life?
4) What are the goals you must fulfill in order to realise that purpose?
5) How will consistently feeling this way affect your pursuing of your goals?
6) How will it affect your purpose (think worst case scenario because sometimes we need a wake up call)
Actually I think a life coach will benefit you, Allahu Aalam.
wassalaam
May 8, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Asalamaualikum,
I wish I was there for the weekend but had to much going on as always. Work to do, family visiting, people getting married and so forth.
On a lighter note, AE… are you any good at snooker? Who knows you might be the next Ronnie’O Sulaiman
May 9, 2008 at 12:01 am
Salaamoalaykum Warahmatullah Wabarakatuhu.
REPLY TO ANONYMOUS
To be honest this scenario that you have presented is more prevalent than one could imagine. What you will find with most Asians is that there is a lack of understanding with regards to understanding one’s psychology. For this reason, many Muslims will realise what you are experiencing at a late stage in life. These problems often stem from the inability to express emotions in a healthy manner. This is also the reason why psychological problems such as Anorexia and Bulimia are never associated with Asians.
The symptoms that you have described in your scenario are very much a classic example of underlying aggression or the inability to control it. You can go through the early stages of life without ever expressing true anger. Only when the pressures of life become overwhelming, does the anger become apparent. Here is an article that should go to some way in helping you to understand yourself and ultimately become more aware of yourself; only then will you be able to achieve some sense of psychological satisfaction and Allah (SWT) knows best.
Controlling Anger, Before it Controls You.
We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a cancelled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, “when none of these three techniques work, that’s when someone—or something—is going to get hurt.”
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can’t get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more “hotheaded” than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To “Let it All Hang Out?”
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.
It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.”
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”
Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This !&*%@ machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying, “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant other” wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger—or a partner’s—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humour
“Silly humour” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you think of a coworker as a “dirtbag” or a “single-cell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humour can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is “things oughta go my way!” Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you’ll also realize how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humour. First, don’t try to just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the “trap” you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes “nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire.” After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child’s chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say, “well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!” That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counselling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviour.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and express them”—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counselling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It’s true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can’t eliminate anger—and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
May 9, 2008 at 1:24 am
P.S. the above article was written by a non-Muslim, hence some ‘dodgy’ statements, but don’t let that inhibit you from understanding the point of the arguement.
May 9, 2008 at 10:37 am
Where do i get a life coach from?
May 9, 2008 at 11:34 am
i think if you ask at some community centres- they might have a life coach- i don’t know many centres but i pass the zion centre in hulme regularly- that might be a good one to try?
May 9, 2008 at 11:47 am
(from post
Jazak Allah khayr for your input.
I do think about the things that Fatima has mentioned- and it does help.
As Akhi suggested, being in good spiritual company has helped me a lot, so i definately need to increase in this- Jazak Allah khayr for the suggestion. I would love to travel or do an islamic course somewhere but its very difficult for me at present to do that- plus theres the whole mahram issue.
The article on anger was beneficial jazak Allah khayr, although i don’t feel that i am an angry person. I am quite calm and very rarely get angry alhamdurillah. I get annoyed for a bit but it doesn’t linger and I make a point of not holding grudges. Felling down is very different to feeling angry
May 9, 2008 at 11:49 am
i don’t know why a smiley came up- i don’t even know how to do them!!! I meant to type:
from post number eight
May 9, 2008 at 11:54 am
anonymous (
alhamdulillah it is good that you want to analyse yourself, your imaan, whether you are a good muslim or not…that in itself shows that you are being sincere….the days when we feel content with our imaan and DONT feel worried about being a bad muslim are far worse for us..
secondly there is nothing wrong with having more of an introverted personality..my suggestion is to work on building your relationship with Allah and making HIM your confidant….after that, finding righteous company who you feel you click with…however we all have to still make an effort with work colleagues, family, relatives etc even though we may feel we “cant be bothered / got better things to do” but keeping good relations with people is ibaada too!!! moreover you are doing dawaa on them subtely by your beautiful personality/ generous nature etc etc and it is all being noted by the angels..
yes it would also be good to look at the source of the problem as sister fatima suggested..when did you start feeling like this etc etc but to kick start , the mere fact that you are alive and breathing, can say subhanAllah etc are great blessings …try to focus on what things are positive about your life (to help you build your self esteem)…even the fact that you are muslim is a BIG blessing…
remember we could be burying you today/ tomorrow/ …so look at what really counts
also try to engage in a little project or self study that does tickle your taste buds…do u like listening to seerah/ reading hadith etc etc
even try engaging in some sport/ walking in the fresh air..find something that you get a kick out of that will keep you motivated and is beneficial to yourself.
i pray you manage to come out of this but know that you are not the only one who has ever felt this way
nor are you alone because the one who controls you is there for you
“verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”
we do love you for the sake of Allah
May 9, 2008 at 11:56 am
sorry the 1st line meant to read anonymous 8
whoops–i’m not very computer literate–sorry anon 8
May 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Dear anon,
I still cringe when I think about the past. The thing is tomorrow may not come and the past is gone and although some things cannot ever leave you (depending on your age certain pathways in your brain may be altered which aid in making judgements) I just get on with it and eat a whole load of chocolate on the bad days
I think you should tell at least one good friend how you feel and visit your GP as I can’t make out to which extent you’re feeling down. There is nothing abnormal about feeling down but when it starts to take over your life it’s unhealthy. I didn’t seek help and kept spiralling downwards but allhamdullialah for me Allah (swt) worked things out. You’re not a bad Muslim because of the way you feel.
Not being Abu Essa as well but having experience I hope I can be of some help. At the age of 20ish I had a sort of breakdown and spent the next 6 yrs feeling depressed. My self esteem was minimal. I was always irritable and very withdrawn. I felt I must be an awful awful human being whom Allah (swt) really didn’t like. I lost the art of sleeping, I would just lie awake for hours on end and be extremely lethargic during the day with no motivation to do any work, but I pushed myself to work even though not enjoying it. I somehow managed to get my degree and moved onto a PhD as I didn’t know what else to do and my family have always wanted me to be a Dr. As fate would have it during my PhD I came in contact with neuroscientists. I am not a neuroscientist. I began reading up on the brain and depression and began to hate myself just a little less. Depression is an illness. It is an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. I have no idea what this illness has to do with iman. It’s a bit like; the chemicals in your brain which control your happy mood become decreased. Two of my friends started to become worried about me and with tact got to the underlying issue. I am working now as family expect it (and I really can’t be bothered to argue) plus it keeps my mind ticking in a healthy way. Where were my family during all this… under the same roof. My family is my family and I get along with them. I realise now that its not that they don’t care it’s just that they do not understand and cannot cope with the burden. When you are going through this life is a closed box and you cannot see beyond it, everything is a struggle and it feels as if you’re the only one with this problem and that nobody can comprehend what you’re feeling. I guess luckily for me I have come a long way since. I love going for walks and have taken up sports (and it is scientifically proven that sports helps with depression). I like to attend Islamic classes as they provide meaning and understanding, yeah Abu Essa when are the Adab al Mufrad classes going to restart
On another note regarding the article on working with non-mahram women, in my experience of the academic world I can see that its just one big political game of who can beat who and women be it of whatever race will always be the underdogs having to make compromises…
May 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm
If Abu Eesa gives permission I’ll tell you where to get a Muslim life coach from.
I don’t want to use his site as a commercial platform.
wassalaam
May 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I feel exactly like ‘depressed’ anonymous. I have nothing to be depressed about though. I earn a six figure salary, am healthy (reasonably), i pray, fast, go to classes, courses, the masjid but still no cigar. I used to be a bit of a junkie at uni (i qualified 4 years ago) which was very fun-I was happy back then. But i have been a practising Muslim for 3 years now and cant go back to those ways. Maybe there is some organic element to my feelings? I would hate to look back and think I was depressed after properly embracing Islam. Any muslim psychologists out there to give me an opinion?
May 12, 2008 at 6:34 pm
brother, will there be another event like this for the maqra’ah of riyadh us saliheen…. i really want to attend, i didn’t know there was one. pls try to organize another one, baarakAllahu feek!
May 12, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Sometimes when people are depressed or think they are having a spiritual crisis, they are having a vitamin or potassium deficiency.
May 13, 2008 at 11:04 am
Yes its that time of the year again,torture! All the best to all those taking exams at school/university/college, etc. May Allah make it easy for everyone…
May 13, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Wa ‘alaykum salam wa rahmatullah
My apologies for the delay in getting back to you all.
Please could you tell me the correct way to say dua when drinking zamzam water. is a dua answered when done this way?
The way to drink Zam Zam is to either stand or sit, face the qiblah or not if you wish (i.e. there is space for all these positions), say “bismillah” and then intend before you drink it for some good to happen to you or some kind of du’a that you have. Then you drink it, in three “sips” preferably whilst taking a breather between each sip.
This is because of the statement of the Prophet (s): ماء زمزم لما شرب له i.e. “The Water of Zam Zam is for whatever it is drunk for.”
Many of the Salaf and the scholars used to do this and ask Allah for all kinds of wonderful things. The early Muhaddithin were known to use it for sustenance and barakah for their hadith. Ibn Hajr is famously quoted as asking to be better than al-Dhahabi in knowing the science of Narrators, and he then drunk his Zam Zam and then remarked that 20 years later, he had surpassed that level!
And Allah knows best.
I have a question. If this hadeeth is indeed weak, then what are we to say of those who make blanket statements that ALL the ahadeeth in Sahih al Bukhari and Sahih al Muslim are authentic.
Should we not be saying this then?
Jazakallah
This is a huge question you’ve asked and requires a deep study of the sciences of hadith to understand the answer properly. Let me summarise though:
- “Sahih al-Bukhari” is the most authentic book ever written by man. Period.
- It doesn’t contain a single weak narration.
- At the very very most, according to the most senior hadith critics (Nuqqad), there are a few differences/mistakes in a letter or two of some words in the hadith which are more attributable to the narrators who memorised the book from Imam al-Bukhari as opposed to anything from him himself.
- “Sahih Muslim” is the second most authentic book authored by man.
- There is not a single fabricated or very weak or even weak hadith in the collection, although there is discussion on this at the very highest level of hadith study.
- There are mere handful of narrations though that are ma ‘lul i.e. have some kind of slight hidden fault in their chain. The hadith mentioned above in the post is an example of this. This might lead to a weak chain for a few ahadith in this collection. Yet the hadith are not termed as “weak hadith” technically because they have all been established to an acceptable level via other routes.
- Most importantly, these 2-3 narrations that have slighty defective chains, is something for the students of knowledge and scholars to discuss for academic purposes only because practially speaking, they don’t affect anything.
- Thus, it is quite right as you say, as agreed upon by the most senior early and later Hadith scholars, that these two collections are the “Sahih Collections” i.e. all the hadith are the very best quality and there is no need to add extra study when using these collections as a reference source.
Yes, for the scholars, there will be a need to qualify such a statement with the facts we know, but for practical purposes, our Iman has’t changed in that the Sahihayn are the bees-knees when it comes to the gold standard reference source for our tradition of Islam.
May Allah grant the two Imams firdaus for their efforts, ameen.
Question for the working brothers and sisters.
Now that fajrs early, do you guys stay awake or go back to sleep? I normally go back to sleep but ive been getting v.late for work any tips?
May I just make a quick point here: my monitoring of this site is very patchy and my delay away from it can sometimes be lengthy. I’ve said it before and I’ll re-emphasise it again so that you can tell others in my absence: if anyone has any knowledge or benefit to share in answering any questions or giving advice to questioners, then please do so for that helps me out enormously barakallahu feek.
With that note, I’d like to thank the various brothers and sisters who have been helping those with queries.
Back to the Fajr issue: yep, it’s mission time again! Personally I do “all-nighters” fairly regularly if I’ve got study to do through the night and I’m not working the next day.
But when I’m working, and thus my general advice to everyone: don’t waste a second after ‘Isha and just pray and go straight to sleep. Don’t even think about doing anything whatsoever after ‘Isha other than going straight to sleep to give yourself the best chance of waking up. If you do that, everyone can wake up after 3-4 hours insha’Allah if you put your mind to it.
I was wondering if you could please give me some advice Abu Eesa
I really don’t have anything more to add after the excellent contributions from sister Fatima (Springbok?), Nu’maan and anon.
If you need anything further or wish to contact me (but have the patience to wait for a response I may add!) then leave your email address in the box and I’ll get back to you insha’Allah. That goes the same for anyone else and if anyone requests my email, please tell them to do the same jazakumullahu khayran.
And this site is open for what you want, whether notices, commercials, life-coaches and all that jazz. Hey, we’re easy like that in the North…
Asalamaualikum,
I wish I was there for the weekend but had to much going on as always. Work to do, family visiting, people getting married and so forth.
On a lighter note, AE… are you any good at snooker? Who knows you might be the next Ronnie’O Sulaiman
Dear Stranger M, you missed out. Bigtime. Ask those who attended.
And if I make you feel bad, good. We all had things to do that weekend but my goodness, are we glad that we got round it.
Hopefully you can make one some time soon.
As for snooker: strange you ask that actually because it’s one of my favourite sports although I was never very good on a full-size table. I think my top break was about 35 or 40 odd.
A Ronnie O’Sulllivan I’m not (did you see that 147!?) but as a Pak coming from Ilford, we were always in contact with the snooker stars of London because they used to play a lot at Ilford Snooker Club. Steve Davis and especially Ken Docherty would be Ilford regulars, and with Ronnie only round the corner in Chigwell back then, the snooker stars were always round and about Ilford and so you grew up liking it anyway. The same for cricket because of Nasser Hussain’s dad Joe, and his Ilford Cricket School which was absolutely excellent back in the day.
Aaaah, the good old days. Sigh.
brother, will there be another event like this for the maqra’ah of riyadh us saliheen…. i really want to attend, i didn’t know there was one. pls try to organize another one, baarakAllahu feek!
I don’t know to be honest, or rather I should say, maybe not with such arrangements for sisters. All of the last few Maqra’ahs have had facilities for sisters arranged at the cost of hassle and expense but only one or two turned up. In fairness, maybe such long and intensive programmes are just not suited to their lifestyles and I’d agree with that.
The next one for men only will start Friday night 23rd May at 7.30pm at Markaz’l-Bukhary insha’Allah, with Shaykh Kehlan, doing the Sunan of Abu Dawud. It should be mind-blowing.
Yes its that time of the year again,torture! All the best to all those taking exams at school/university/college, etc. May Allah make it easy for everyone…
Yeah I didn’t realise this time round until I started to notice that the Masjid was getting a lot busier so I thought: aah, must be exam time again…
May Allah jalla wa ‘ala give all the brothers and sisters success in their exams and give them the best in this life and the Hereafter, ameen.
And my dear brothers and sisters, please don’t forget the tens of thousands of dead people and the many hundreds of thousands in trauma from the horrible disasters witnessed in China and Burma. May Allah grant ease and bestow His mercy upon us all, ameen.
May 14, 2008 at 2:04 pm
“I don’t know to be honest, or rather I should say, maybe not with such arrangements for sisters. All of the last few Maqra’ahs have had facilities for sisters arranged at the cost of hassle and expense but only one or two turned up. In fairness, maybe such long and intensive programmes are just not suited to their lifestyles and I’d agree with that.”
I would have liked to attend the course but it is really difficult for a sister to go out all bank holiday weekend when we have families to attend to and chores to do.
May 14, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Dear Anonymous,
There are three small things you can do:
For feelings of guilt, and bad thoughts make istighfaar. Istighfaar wipes away the impact of sins from our hearts. The Prophet salaalaahualaihi wasallam used to do so more than 70 times a day, and he was already divinely protected from error.
To increase imaan use laailaaha illallah.
For depression make a lot of salawaat. If you send one salawwaat upon the Prophet sallalaahu alaihi wa sallam, Allah subhaanahu wa taala send peace and blessings upon you 10 times. Imagine the value of peace and blessings coming to us for Allah.
These things above may not seen ‘rational’ to us, but if we practice we will see results, although it needs consistensy and patience.
These are all from the Sunnah although someone may correct me if I am wrong.They can be said while we are going about our daily business, e.g housework, out shopping, (not in bath room). We will be asked about our time and how we spaent it, so why not spend this empty time in the dhikr of Allah Taala which is ibaada.
And with Allah is all success. Also take things easy, one thing at a time.
May 14, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Abu Esa, are you really busy to respond to emails? (its okay if you are, maybe i can email someone esle insha’Allah)
May 17, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Salaamu alaikum
Yeah…Springbok.
Sister Anonymous, you can mail me on discoveru.fatima@gmail.com and I’ll put you in touch with a life coach.
wassalaam
Fatima.